Wouldn't That Be Interesting

As I was driving home this afternoon, I noticed a sign next to the sidewalk. In large colorful, cut-out letters, it read:

KID SALE

Intrigued, I turned in the direction indicated, followed the subsequent signs and discovered that the household in question was not, in fact, selling children, but children's accessories, such as bikes, toys and the like.

Talk about false advertising.

Moral of Cinderella= B.S.!!!!

I don't know who wrote Cinderella. Maybe it was the Grimm Brothers, I don't know. Whoever wrote it was a moron.

Having small feet sucks!!!

Especially when shoe shopping. They never have your size and some styles, no matter how cute they look on other people, make you look like someone who grew up in imperial China (i.e. foot binding, like my feet are small and those shoes made it look like I was walking on stumps, that's what I'm saying).

Yup. And that's why I don't go shoe shopping that much.

The Martians Are Here! Oh Wait, No, It's Just The Olsen Twins.

So right off the bat I'll admit that I am not the originator of this rant. It was passed on to me as one transfers a flame from one candle to another, but now burns within me with the power of a raging inferno. You're in suspense now, aren't you? You're wondering what on earth this heated passion could be about. Well, here it is:

The Olsen twins look like aliens.

Actually, the theory is:

The Olsen twins are aliens.

The only proof I have to back up this radical statement is that which I've seen with my own eyes. I mean, have you seen them?! Buggy eyes, heart-shaped faces, pursed lips, what part of that description does not scream ALIEN?

What is their purpose here? To observe? To destroy?! I can't be certain. Perhaps it's just to infiltrate our cultural consciousness in the form of "adorable" children in order to assimilate our society to their kind before the invasion. Again, I can't be certain.

Maybe you don't believe me. That's okay; that's your prerogative. But now every time you see a picture of Mary-Kate and/or Ashley with their vacant, staring eyes, you'll wonder.

At Least Maple Syrup Would Be Cheaper, Eh?

So I just read this article about a 1935 U.S. government plan to invade Canada. It was called "Joint Army and Navy Basic War Plan -- Red" or "Army Plan Red" for short.

It's objective?
"ULTIMATELY TO GAIN COMPLETE CONTROL."

The fact that this plan exists and its clearly-stated goal serve as more incentive for something I've been saying for awhile now; Canada should invade the United States.

Now, I'm not saying this as some sort of anti-American, expatriate, hippie or anything. I love the U.S. I really like living here. USA! USA! I'm just saying, as a student of history, that that would make the best History lesson EVER. So really, I'm thinking ahead for the future generation of U.P.C. scholars (that is, the United Provinces of Canamerica).

I just think it'd be really funny. I mean, no one would expect it. Heck, most Canadians probably wouldn't expect it, you know, people are scattered in forests and tundra all over that country and news doesn't travel very quickly, especially if the telegraph lines blow down in a snowstorm or the dogsled team sprains an ankle.

That's another reason Canada should invade; snide comments like that. They should put us in their place, defend their honor, uphold basic human decency, spread the miracle of the metric system, stuff like that.

And if they do invade, could anyone really fault them for it? I mean, it's pretty tempting as we wouldn't really be able to defend ourselves quickly; we're spread all over the world and no one's even paying attention to Canada. Plus, Canada doesn't exactly have a record of aggression, so I might even be proud of them for working up the courage. You know, "Hey, good for you guys for getting it together enough to invade a world leader! Rock on!"

P.S. If you think I'm making this up you can go here and read it yourself.